Cool points: Knee surgery makes you interesting

Music: Bon Iver: Holocene. (And at once I knew, I was not magnificent)

I don’t know if you’ve gathered this, but I have a dry sense of humor. Need examples? I once thought Oscar Pistorious was sent from the future to protect John Connor, and while hobbling around proceeded to make up a drinking game about US gymnast cutie Nastia Lukin not exactly sticking her landing. 

For further proof, I used to buy sympathy cards on peoples birthdays, scratch out “I’m sorry for you loss” and write in instead “Happy birthday.” There wasn’t really a particular reason for this other than that I thought it was funny. Also When I go hiking with people not as used to the woods as yours truly, I try not to get more than a few steps in before calling for a vote on who we are going to eat if we are stranded for any length of time. True stories.

Anyway I wanted to post this, but I had to set you up for it and then make a further point after a bit more of a rambling extended metaphor. From A Softer World:

Um hang on, let me explain

I came across this years ago and it made an impression I guess. Thought that was pretty funny.

Anyway I said that to say this: knee surgery and subsequent recovery makes you, to a point, interesting.

He bowls overhand. If he were to punch you in the face, you would have to fight off the strong urge to thank him.

My whole life I have been gifted with marginal to slightly above average athleticism. I was never really great at any one particular sport, but I am able-bodied and can play just about anything without embarassing myself.

You know what never draws interest or follow up questions? Talking about your marginally unimpressive feats of athletic glory. Ever tried to start a story: “There we were, down 5-3 in the intramural Ultimate Frisbee Semifinal game against the Baptist Student Union…”

No one cares, and I’m not overly butt-hurt about it, because I honestly don’t care where you got your participation T-shirt form either.

But when you’ve had knee surgery, man people are swell. Tell them you ran a mile after six months and they shower praise on you like you won the Tour de France without using synthetic testosterone. (as if)

I think about why people are so much more genuinely interested in knee surgery and recovery than every day athletic feats. Sometimes it feels like you are getting the sympathy claps like the kid who was out in the first round of a spelling bee by starting ‘car’ K…A… Mostly though I think people love an underdog, and they love a comeback story.

Everyone is given a different set of cards, and what you do with what you are naturally given or have worked for is OK. But I think going through something that is not easy or fun, and doing it with a smile on your face can inspire people.

Going through six months+ of knee surgery and recovery humbles you, mostly because it has a way of producing some very flawed, very human moments. Maybe its how you respond to these that lets you know what kind of stuff you are made of.

4 months after ACL surgery: up and running!

Music: The Alman Brothers, Blue Sky.

Note: When I first started this process, I’m pretty sure one of the songs I put up top was ‘Tied to the Whipping Post.’ I feel much better than that now. So I turn back to my favorite bi-polar musicians, The Alman Brothers. Thanks fellas.

I put my knee through a lot this week, jump roping, hiking, etc., and it responded quite well. Basically, I worked my tail off because I was pissed at not being allowed to run two weeks ago.  I know the physical therapist is on my side as much or more than anyone, but in my head it turned into ‘F. U. man, for not letting me run,’ which led me to work as hard as I have during this whole process. Odd maybe that I found motivation in this way, part of my sparkling personality I guess.

So in the last two weeks where I was a little behind, I’m now probably way ahead. We started in PT with jogging today, and I looked better than expected so we moved into all the agility stuff that wasn’t supposed to happen for another two weeks.

Come get some. OH YEAH.

And just like that, with one Macho Man Randy Savage picture there goes my attempt at more mature blog posts. Hey, if you got it, you got it.

So I feel like sharing. I got a little emotional when I was running today. It’s like saying welcome back to a part of my life I never quite figured out how to fill without activity. All the thoughts of ‘Will even be able to come back’ are erased, and I don’t plan on going more than a few days without running again. Ever.

Updated workout schedule for next two weeks

See ya out there!

Ever googled happiness? You get stuff like this.

Three month post surgery testing, landing anxiety and Peter Griffin

Music: Violent Femmes: Add it up

I know where I want to go with this post, but we’re going to take the scenic route. This should not surprise you.

Before we do this I feel like saying that I am perfectly capable of quoting Neitzsche and Plato, and the collected wisdoms of various curmudgonded philosophers who have spoken to me over the years. And yet, when it comes time to pick out quotes for my blog I turn to Peter Griffin, esquire, of Immortal fame and widsom collected from Family Guy. Ahem.

[at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I’m here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he’s here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you’ve seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second, y’know, I think I got a picture of him, somewhere…h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of ’em at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway ’cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

I wanted to find a clip of that, and I did, but from the same episode I liked this better. The Actors studio presents Stewie and ‘My fat baby loves to eat’

There now, aren’t you glad we went on this journey together? I wonder sometimes who reads this blog, and what you must think of me. A) He’s pretty good at integrating media into posts, and B) what the hell is he talking about. I’ll take it. Feels like this to me sometimes:

Great things.

So the original point I wanted to make was about fear which led me to family guy which led me to Stewie…and I’m going to cut that off right here.

What are you afraid of?

I’m not really talking about campfire style, ‘And then when she came around the car, the hook was hanging on the door handle!!’  I’m also not talking about spiders, clowns, darkness, heights, snakes, or birthday parties. Have you ever felt a crippling fear like a punch in the stomach?

Kind of like what Physical therapy was like today. I’m three months+ out of surgery, and hopefully in two more weeks I’ll be running. We did strength testing today, which involves being strapped to this leg extension machine and kicking as hard and as fast as you can on both sides to give a comparison. Not so bad, the hamstring is weaker, start jump roping, etc.

The other part of the test was hopping forward on one leg three times and measuring the distance.

Kind of like this

only with more this

Maybe its bravado, (probably is) but I have never been scared of anything physical in my life. Having not done anything similar in five months, I was terrified to jump three times in a row on my surgically repaired knee.  Like palms sweating, hands shaking, clinging to dad’s knees on the way out of the theater at the end of Ghost Busters when you were six terrified.

At this point I REALLY want to get back to running, and eventually racquetball, frisbee, soccer, basketball, etc. However almost equally as badly I DO NOT want to go through this again.

The tests showed that the strength in my quad is very good, and the hamstring still has some work to go. What I’m realizing now though is I have some brain rehab, if you will, to do for that anxiety of using my leg in the way I am used to.

I guess the leg felt fine when I jumped, but the landing felt really…off. Going through knee surgery you get used to varying degrees of pain in the joint when you’re doing just about anything. When I started this process, I clearly bettered the medical profession by defining my own pain scale.  This sounds weird, but I’m not sure if the landing caused me physical pain, or if the anxiety of it just got me worked up.

There is solace in the fact that I didn’t crumple, my leg didn’t explode or fall off, and I’m fine now. From here on out though it has got to be game on. Working through that fear, I believe, is going to be a big part of that process.

At least jumping on my knee is not as bad as that evil monkey who lives in my closet. (!!!)

 

Stay tuned! I’m so close to running I can feel it!

Turkish get-ups, balance issues and Jason Bourne

Music: Old Crow Medicine Show: Tell it to me

My early posts typically looked like this, in order:

Ramblesome analogy, pictures, corny jokes worked into extended metaphor about my knee, and you, reader, have something like 11 seconds worth of ‘oh I see what he did there’ before you move on with your general internet perusal.

Now they, clearly, they more resemble like this:

Pointed reflection, astute observation about the human condition, award winning writing, community opinion influencing social commentary, life changing extended metaphors about my knee and high brow humor only for the educated.

I’m so good that I have been called the songbird of my generation. Also I saw my son use a bicycle as a weapon today.

Man I’m doing such great things.

No?  Well, perhaps then I’ll just hire someone to write better jokes.

Physical therapists are essentially really chipper torturers. Part of the new routine they have me doing is Turkish get-ups. Lie on you back, hold a weight in the air, and stand up. Simple. Except, as the physical therapists know, you are equally as likely to stand up as you are to crash into a wall.

Isn’t a Turkish get up what the Ice Queen fed to Edmond in the Narnia books? ahem…

Yes, my fitness models are consistently better looking than I am. This is by design.

Among other things, I’m doing about 10 of these. Form is important, as my attractive model will show. It does teach you how to stand up again, so on the bright side, I no longer look and feel like a turtle trapped on his back when I try to stand up.

If I could just…a little further…huuuurhhh

I’m not cleared for running yet, but we are going to test for that this week or next. I believe the blah blah blah has to be strengthened blah blah blah certain extent blah blah. You can bet I’ll be ready. I want to start running and not top. I want to run for hours every day, feel the air in my (now bearded because it’s fall) face and the pavement beneath my feet. Sorry blog friends but I want to put down this blog and do fun things that feed my soul. So give the go ahead and you’ll never catch me. Almost there.

Last week I gave you Tyrion because it was something I had been wanting to work into the blog. This gave me the brilliant idea to work some of my other favorite things I have been wanting to work into the blog and couldn’t figure out a way to: Here is Jason Bourne beating up a guy with a book, and eventually a bath towel. I have nothing on how that relates to my knee, other than my close quarters kung fu has clearly been hampered by ACL recovery.

Best I can do:

Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you have to hit life in the face with a book.

Knowledge can be powerful if struck with an elbow.

Matt Damon REALLY takes his summer reading seriously.

I heard in the next generation of the movies Jason Bourne beats up a guy with an iPad.

“No, The HUNGER GAMES was better!”, “HARRY POTTER!”

Want more Olympics? I recently wrote about some of my favorite obscure sports at the hammer sports blog. 

Stay tuned! When I’m running you’ll know it. Or you won’t. Because I’ll be running.

Hamstring: the pain in my butt

I’ve literally been trying to work that into a blog post for weeks. Finally found a reason to. By the way if you aren’t watching and you’re thinking: is Tyrion (the little guy) that awesome throughout the show? Yes. Yes he is.

I’m well aware for the last two weeks I have posted infrequently and not about my knee. I have this conversation with myself a lot lately about this blog:

And yes, I have a blog, therefore I talk to myself.

Your knee is almost better, It’s not exciting or funny to write about anymore now that you are walking like a normal human instead of a zombie.

No one wants to read about a guy who is doing 3/4 of a normal workout routine.

Well you know what I say? It’s not about you.

Me. Whatever.

So my knee and the subsequent scar kind of resembles this guy. How was he supposed to sell us hamburgers as kids?

So Tyrion says know what you are, bastard, and I will attempt to leave my machismo at the door. I’ve had a serious knee injury, it’s taking a while to come back, and sooner or later I had to do it:  I went out and bought a knee brace today. I felt it necessary because although my doctor says no brace ever, lots of other people everywhere tell me a brace will probably be a good idea.

It’s not the Phillip Rivers model: lock your knee in place so all you have to do is stand there and throw the ball brace

Still working on strengthening the knee, but the issue know has been the hamstring where they harvested the tendon. I’ve been doing lots of dead lifts and turkish get-ups. Balancing on one foot and kicking a soccer ball, this odd crab-walk kind of shuffle with a band around my ankles and I’ve been introduced to the slide board. Kind of like speed skating on a little plastic strip.

The only other time I can remember seeing this used was by Ben Stiller in Heavy Weights. Feel the burn. Who’s there with me?

Also today was the first round of ‘jump training.’ Which is basically a really painful version of bunny hopping. Once again, oh my poor ego.

I’ve also been obsessed with the olympics, and writing about it at hammertimesports. Check it out, it’s pretty fun.

Do you need more Tyrion? Of course you do. Some of these are out of context perhaps, but still, enjoy.

Once again, a better looking representation for what I’m doing with my life

Belle Chere, and where milk comes from

Music: Dr. Dog: Shadow People

This weekend I spent between Statesville and Asheville, which for out of towners are in the western part of the state. Think mountains, etc.  I played with cows and hippies, in that order, and came away with a pretty fun weekend.

First I’ll give you cows. Now I’m outdorsy and all, but I’ve never really hung out with cows. First impressions: they are big, and kind of dumb, but also do what they are told.

This, apparently, is where your milk/hamburgers comes from

Also this: baby cows think your fingers are udders so they can nurse. And I’ll let you make up your own jokes.

she was into it

And on to Asheville:

For those of you who don’t know, Asheville is beautiful, nestled in the heart of the Appalachian mountains in Western North Carolina. So the city looks cool, sure, but the vibe is unlike anything else you’ll find (at least in this state).

Looks kind of like this from afar

and kind of like this up close

Music, art, free thinkers, and lots (I do mean lots) of weird, Asheville is a pretty neat cultural hub that is worth seeing. The crown jewel of the town in my opinion is the once  a year street festival Belle Chere.

There’s always an interesting mix: shoeless hippies dancing in the streets, good ol boys in cut off tshirts drinking bud heavy, protesters and counter-protesters, bongo drums, turkey legs, and excellent, excellent beer. Enough beers and you’ll be at least one of the above.

The very awesome Dr. Dog. If you’re not close enough to the stage to feel the music in your chest, you’re just not close enough

This girl was belting at the top of her lungs this weekend.  Gave me chills, and then I drank more beer..

Again not too much on the knee other than Asheville is basically one big hill, and, proud to say, no falls all weekend. Yes, I would like a cookie. I suppose I will post about recovery again, but this is more fun

 

Stay tuned! Also along the lines of shameless self promtion (that’s me!) I have a website now! JoelGerber.com

Oscar Pistorious, hero to knee injurees everywhere

Music: Damien Rice: Cannonball

As  a sports fanatic, summer is usually a difficult time for me. NBA playoffs end and unless you are into watching baseball on television –something about repetitive motion puts me right to sleep, baseball and ‘How it’s made’– the culture is bleak and dark when in June I am trying to scrounge up facts on Panthers voluntary minicamp.

Only this year is different. I have the Olympics! I love the games because I get to get feel patriotic and wave the flag, scream at the Kenyans, and root for sports that I generally do not understand. Phelps, Budweiser, and the American Dream. That’s all I need to know about this summer.

This is the British Olympic Tug-o-war team from the early 1900s. Not kidding.

As you well know from this blog, my Olympic dreams were dashed this year by my knee injury. Don’t worry, I’ll have my water wings back on in men’s solo synchronized swimming for the next cycle. My frog-kick is god given.

I will get to the point, sheesh. A story from the olympics that intrigues me this year is Olympic 400M runner Oscar Pistorious. Pistorious, from South Africa, is a double amputee and running on artifical legs called ‘blades’. I know what you’re thinking. “Joel’s about to make fun of the guy with no legs, what an Ahole.” Well, I’m taking the high road, so there.

In case you don’t feel like clicking. Got a little spring in his step. Sorry.

The debate now is should he be allowed to run for his country? Let’s get this out of the way: he’s not going to win. He’s a long shot to even make the final, and most experts give him an exponentially small chance of even medaling. Even still, I think the guy is awesome. Why? Name another runner in the 400M, from any country. Hell, name another Olympian from another country in ANY sport.

The Olympics used to be about inspiration and story. An athlete has an opportunity to transcend sports on a global stage. It takes a lot of courage to get up there for your country, and if a kid with no legs sees an Olympian with the same, it would mean more to them than another last place finisher who may or may not even show up in the guide book.

This was not about Nike shoes.

So I applaud the Olympics for letting Pistorious run, and I, for one, will be rooting for him.

I’m now going to spend the rest of this post talking about robots. This should not surprise you. Give Pistorious synthetic wings and a rocket belt.

All I’m saying is I wanted a robot knee. I wrote about it here. When I tore my ACL in March, I saw this as my opportunity to be rebuilt, better, faster, stronger. If not ‘half man, half machine,’ at the very least I was hoping for was some robot parts. Some cool gadgets or laser beams or secret compartments.

The technology is here. I want one. and I want to be allowed to compete in Olympic power lifting in one.

And why we’re at it, who’s up for a robot Olympics? Though I suppose being built to certain calculated specifications would take the guess work out of events. T9000 wins the gold, because it is designed to. Even still, and I’m just saying, couldn’t we all use a little more of this in our lives? I know I could.

I know its a slippery slope, If he wins the athletic community will be up and arms to decry a need for separation between man and machine. Of course we all know what this eventually leads to, but come on, what’s the worst that could happen if we let Pistorious run?

We’d probably start with something like:

I have been sent back from the future to tell you Skynet will become self aware in 1997. Also vote conservative in this years election. YEAAAHAAALLL.

Plenty of this:

Ignore the subtle innuendo in this photo

And eventually:

Doomsday, the machines declare war on humanity, sequels come out that make no sense in context of the previous movies, and so on and so forth

 

Well that got weird in a hurry.

Stay tuned! I know this is two posts unrelated to the ACL in a row, but I plan on describing what physical therapy is like next week!

5 tips for increasing blog readership (intentionally and unintentionally increasing web presence)

Music: Circa Survive: The Longest Mile

Sometimes I think about why I write in this blog, why I wanted to start it, and I don’t really have anything concrete to tell you. My thought process went something like: knee went boom, well, it’s something to write about at least. I started this blog two days after I parted ways with my ACL (isn’t that polite?), I was cooped up, bored…and I don’t know if you know this but I have always had and abundant amount of snarkiness that needs to be put to good use.

I’ve always had a selfish view of blogging. See: “I write for me because it’s what’s in my head. You can read it, sure, but mostly writing for me is about keeping the thoughts that roll around up there from crashing into other thoughts and creating four-car brain-pileups. Writing, quite literally, keeps me sane.”

Get the idea? This is not exactly a joke

That car metaphor is not exactly mine, by the way. Ever read Fraznen’s The Corrections? (I saw gears popping off the machinery in his brain and crashing into other important machinery. As a note I often remember certain metaphors in books more than the books themselves. All time favorite: Soon I will be invincible: “When life gives you lemons…squeeze them, hard. Make an acid poison, fling it in their eyes.”)

Anyway along the way of my selfish, musing, snarky missives, something unintended happened. You happened. We, as a blog, are right under 1,000 hits for 20 or so posts. It’s not a lot, but there’s an audience here, and when you have an audience you have the opportunity to increase your audience, or ‘web-presence.’

By the way, blogs matter. In my last newspaper gig, the editor in cheif’s blog was by far the most read article on post to their website. Somehow, the blog is more credible than the news article in the online space.  I’m still being cheap, and have not yet paid for my domain and additional storage, but I thought this was a terrific view of blogging.  Simply put, what matters to you matters, and why shouldn’t it?

As I aspire to a career in marketing or public relations or something related (exotic dance is not out of the cards, as long as you call it PR/marketing dancer, etc.).  I realize the importance of online media. No one is making me…or even asking me for that matter…to write this blog, but it’s something that’s well within my skillset. So when asked if I have experience in online media, well, I blew out my knee wrote about it, promoted it, and people read about it.

How’s that for making acid poison?

So here are some things I have learned about promoting and collecting hits on my blog: (Amanda will think I am stacking blocks here.)

1. Linking-The more places you have links to your blog, the more hits you will collect. Most of my hits come through Facebook, but each link I post on other places is worth a handful of hits. I read Mark Tosczak from RLF Communications in Greensboro’s blog frequently, and he has great ideas on this: call it gathering string.  http://marktzk.com/gathering-string/

2. Tagging- I’m a late arrival to this one, but see those little grayed-0ut words under the title? People search the wordpress database by category, and those tags are a good way to generate some organic hits to your blog.

3. Pay attention to (some of) the old rules- Former newspaper reporter here, so I dig rules. AP Style, deadlines, lede’s,  captions. Structure establishes credibility, so write with appropriate grammar and style on the blog and people will be more apt to associate you with credible content, something the internet has always struggled with.  You still need to get people here, so write a short headline that pulls people in. I haven’t always been the most diligent editor on the web, but from here on out I promise super clean.  (As if that bothers anyone but me).

4. Ignore (some of) the old rules- So you’re writing for a blog, which immediately makes it more fun than newspaper. Opine, chortle, poke fun, enjoy yourself. If you’re having fun, chances are the audience will too. Use words like chortle.

5. Pictures/video/media– What I enjoy most about blogs is the ability to incorporate media directly into the writing. A picture is worth a thousand words right? Heresy for writers, but instead of describing it, post a picture.  I like to use pictures as adjectives, try it out. Post more pictures. All the time. Digital age folks, dem’s da berries.

For instance, I’ve been thinking of a way for a few weeks to work Garfield minus Garfield into a post. Couldn’t do it, but I think these are brilliant. More here.

 

6. Hunger for more – Here’s the thing about the digital space, it’s still new, so no one really knows exactly what works yet. There is no ‘right way,’ not yet. We are the experts in an ever growing field. Embrace that role- learn and absorb all you can.

I’m no expert. I want to know more about how to market your blog and advertising. Of course, I will ask my girlfriend (she’s really good at this stuff) but any other thoughts?

I mentioned ACL in this post once. Did so.  Stay tuned, more knee fun soon!